Do You Feel Different? What's Next? I DON'T KNOW.
A proud accomplishment: Graduating college. It's something that is an exciting moment filled with pride, nostalgia, fear, love, and many other emotions all in one. I graduated a week ago and am still processing all that occurred. In my next couple of posts I will attempt to identify some of what I learned in my past four years at Palm Beach Atlantic University.
But for now I will address the most common question I have received in the past two weeks. Though phrased differently, they all boil down to people asking me if "I feel different now that a 'best time of my life' is over?" or the preverbal college graduate question of "what now?"
The answer to both: I don't know
I am usually not a proponent of "I don't know" as an answer, but right now I think it is an acceptable answer. We are told never to say those three words: to an employer (especially as an actor. Ex: a director asks you about your character, your answer: I don't know....hmmm have you done your job as an actor to think about your character?), to a teacher (Your acting teacher asks "What did Meisner say about blah blah blah? Your answer is "I don't know"...hmmm did you do your homework?), to your significant other (we won't go there), and more. "I don't know" indicates a lack of confidence, a ignorance and lack of knowledge, and in some cases a lack of drive.
But not in this case.
Do I feel different? I don't know. I don't know because I feel like I'm on summer break. I am, for once in a long time, on a vacation. I don't know because I am already focusing on my career as an actor with auditioning and making reels. I don't know because I am choosing to spend time with family who I have pushed away in order to focus on school. I don't know because I am in the midst of transition: from daughter to a wife; from an educational performer to a professional working actor; and from a student to someone who utilizes knowledge daily. Just like an actor must take time to understand his or her character in depth, so must I take time to decide if I feel different. It's not something that one ceremony, a four hour event where you walk across a platform, can do.
What's next? I don't know. If you would like hard facts, sure I can tell you. I plan to take the summer and focus on audition, planning a wedding, spending time with family, and working on getting my new home ready. Plans are there. Dates are set. But I still don't know. If there's one thing I learned in college is that your plans regarding what's next aren't set in stone until they've been completed. There have been numerous times that where things changed: I've changed, others have changed. And not just plans for Friday night, but career paths, personal relationships etc. There's no such thing as a cookie cutter life, and if you are trying to do that, your doing life wrong. It's impossible to plan you're life exactly. The question of what's next is pointless. I can't predict the future. I may be on Broadway tomorrow, or I may be sitting at home on my couch. I have goals that I will work to, but I must have the flexibility and willingness to go with what life throws at me. Otherwise I will always be fighting what actually happens next.
It's okay to talk to recent graduates. It's okay to ask questions. But please give us time. Give the actor time to do her job in terms of figuring the character out. Give the technician time to actually build the set, or the designer time to come up with the set.
Accept the words "I don't know" right now. Let us figure it out. Stop asking the big questions before we can answer the small ones.