Getting to Know You[rself]
Before we begin, here is the newest edition to our family! Giovani, or Gio, the cat. Isn't he dreamy?
We got him as a rescue from Peggy Adams Animal Rescue League about two months ago. I've been a volunteer there since about February (but had to take a small break thanks to Trailer Park). He's three years old and honestly, acts like a three year old human child. Every morning my husband and I are awaken by a constant "meowwwww". And usually at around 6:30am, or whenever the first alarm clock goes off. My gosh, I have never met a more persistent animal.
But a cute one at that.
We've had to get to know Gio over these last couple of months, just as he has had to get to know us. He is my husband's first cat, and the two of them have definitely had to learn how to co-exist. Gio has had to learn who is in charge; of course that doesn't stop him from crossing the line a few times. And my husband has had to learn that "if mom is gone, someone has to feed the cat, and yes, clean the litterbox". But deep down I know they both love each other. At least I hope so because I'm not getting rid of either!
Actually I feel like I've been getting to know myself more and more this summer as well. Of course, we should always be learning about ourselves and the world in which we live in , but sometimes you just have those times where you are forced to confront yourself, learn something, and move forward. That was this summer.
Now I won't go into details because that would take a while, but I will say that after a whole summer of auditioning I was at zero contracts. Lots of callbacks but no contracts. I also wasn't working that much at my day job because it is very seasonal. And my husband travels quite a bit - meaning there are a lot of nights of Netflix. Needless to say I wasn't the most positive person to be around. There were a lot of tears and a lot of journaling. I was questioning my purpose, my drive, my faith, my friends, and more. I won't say I was driven to dark places but I will say I was in a funk where it seemed more cathartic to sit and wallow in self-pity then being proactive. I knew how to fix the problems. I knew that I couldn't change whether I got a contract or not, or even when I worked, but I could changed how I approached my days and used my time. I knew I could use the nights alone to visit with friends, or use the days when not auditioning or working to work on new material, volunteer, or even find a new hobby. But it felt better to sit and blame my inabilities, and even try to think of reasons to blame others for my lack of "living a fulfilled life".
But just knowing how to fix something didn't get me motivated. What worked was actually doing.I couldn't just keep thinking through the steps of how to get out of the funk. I had to just sort small and do. No more thinking about t. Taking the small step (or giant leap as it feels). What worked was having voice lesson and realizing the joy of working. What worked was seeing the opportunity to create more business at my day job and finally saying to my boss "let me take this project on". Let me do. For that is why I was created.
We are created to do. We are not created to sit and watch the world go on. We are created to participate, to reside in communities, to work on relationships, projects, and goals. We are created to a actively love others, and to work on contributing to the world around us. All of this can manifest in a variety of ways but none of those ways involve sitting alone at home binging on The Crown.
I didn't start feeling"suddenly bright and breezy", nor was there a Kelli O'Hara gloriously singing in my ear as I went about my days. And even now questions of purpose have turned into questions of a life plan, questions of how to set goals in career where they seem impossible to create, and questions of effectivity. But I know I am at least doing something and for the first time in a while I am dreaming and actually seeing how those dreams could one day happen.
I've always been a busy person. It was not healthy for me to be doing nothing. The mind is a powerful tool that can and will be used against us. It can stop us just as much then it can empower us. And if the spirit gets on board with the mind in a negative way, good luck. But you just have to do. Start small. Get up and make your husband coffee before work so you don't sleep in. Work out in the morning to feel energized for the day. Work at a Starbucks on creating some dreams and steps to change at a Starbucks rather than at home. That way you're bot distracted. Plan lunches with those you wouldn't normally reach out to. Of all ages and stages of life. That way they are learning lunches. Volunteer. And offer to finally get involved in that area of your life that you've been avoiding.
Because once you start to do something. It's hard to stop. And you only keep doing (and dreaming and creating and acting on those dreams) more.
Giovani always does. In fact he never stops. He never stops looking, eating, inspecting, watching and running after the lizards on the patio, saying hello or good morning (literally), or even sleeping. He doesn't think. He just does.
