Impatience is a curse
At least in my life it is.
Whenever I get impatient, I get frustrated. When I am frustrated, I am not the best version of myself. And when I'm not the best version of myself, well I don't get that far in life.
Now that may be a little dramatic (I never did say that I wasn't dramatic). But the point is is that it has recently been pointed out to me that I have become very impatient, especially in my career. Every time I go to an audition or callback, and nothing comes out of it, I tend to beat myself up. It's not a feeling of "I'm an untalented human being", in fact I seem to do the opposite. I say things like "I just don't feel like I'm where I should be right now", "Am I really doing my best in this field, or should I look for a place where I can make a bigger impact", "Am I wasting time and talent by not working" ect.
My husband says I put pressure on myself. And truthfully, he's right. (The first step is admitting fault right?)
But I want to know now is why I do that? Why do I expect that I should be booking everything I go in for? Why do I feel pressured to be constantly booking jobs? Why do I feel the need to be contributing so much at such a young age? I've also noticed is that I am not the only one doing this. And it's not only in the theatrical field that this mindset occurs.
I have some theories:
- We live in a world where it's cool to be involved. Where Instagram, and Twitter tell us we need to share our passions, thoughts, and actions. And if I don't have anything to post, such as a picture of a show I'm in, or a recent booking, or even audition updates, then I have nothing going on in my life.
- My generation praises those who "make it". Especially at a young age. I grew up in a time of Mark Zuckerburg's, Evan Spiegal's, and those crazy millionaires who got famous on YouTube and Vine. Where if your 25 and haven't already invented something that will change the world, or figured out how you will be known in society, you obviously won't. Every day you read about a girl who is a young female business owner, or a guy who started this non profit which is worldwide. And while I shouldn't be pressured by people I really don't know. I am. Because those are the people we talk about at lunch.
- The education system encourages those to "better themselves". I graduated college a year ago, and ever since them all I've heard is "Oh are you going to go get your Masters?" When is that happening?". I have friends who left high school already deciding where they were going to get their PhDs. It is highly encouraged, almost expected, for people to further their education because that means you are "bettering yourself", and "getting ahead in life", or "prepping yourself for a future of success".
- It seems success in life is based on what you produce. In a culture where family planning is common, religion is on the backburner, and the first thing listed on your Facebook page is where you work; success seems not to based on you as a person. People could care less if I'm a kind human, who's special talents are advising my friends, and spending time with my family. What they care is what I've done, how I am climbing the ladder, and how I will change the world. The days of changing the world by just being involved in a small community are over. Everything must be done on a global scale.
I really don't know if any of that made sense. But what I will say is that there are plenty of people like me. People who will question their worth because we are in a society where it is praised to constantly be pushing forward at a rapid pace. Won't that pace tire out? What happens when we reach 35? So, I shouldn't get mad when it is pointed out to me that I am impatient. Of course I'm impatient. I live in an impatient world. At the same time, I need to realize that maybe an impatient life isn't the best life lived.